checkquerido

my password's been fixed! sometime during the course of my distress, the thought of jonathan dropping me out of school crossed my mind. then i laughed so hard; i really miss business law.

sunday was a rough night, and so was monday. tuesday night, i went from annoyed, to raving, to defeated, to victory punches. how, how does this happen? i'm writing to you, for you, with you.

on retrospection, i should have waited a little bit longer.

the week's been crazy. i promised to update by the weekends at latest but since i'm having a day off, monday's as good as it can get. school has thrown me completely off course i feel emotionally dishevelled but the elitist air your are told you are breathing in has put mediocrity on hold, at least for now.

three-day week overflowed into four last week, and i foresee a five on week two. but whatever the case, school is school, and i intend to live a life on the side, and have a healthy private one too. how, i don't really know, it would help if the rain let up.

thought about you, thought about her, today i wondered why i couldn't smell your hair the way she did. i'm really trying, but it's not always about time.

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tried to smell for clues but you failed my senses. i look to you and wonder if i'm the person you think i can be or more but then, what? i saw you once today and that image of you is stuck in my mind. you are beautiful. if i were to meet you a second time and this time in your most frazzled, messy, mismatched state, i'd still think you are, i really would.

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'today is a day we will cry about when we look back on it' i live for days like these. how do i love thee? i've lost count of the ways.

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school begins in three days. i cant remember being more intimidated, yet determined not to show it. i've maxed my personal credit for the month so now is the perfect time to tempt me with shoes and bags and cameras and phones, no more means to give in. fell into the clutches of stomach flu some days back but it didn't feel very mentionable. in any case, i pulled an Idiot and had chilli chicken rice (not its real name) for dinner so now, i'm confined to the masterbedroom cause the toilet's attached, and I GET TO SLEEP WITH MOMMY!

it reads 9.58 on my clock and i dont believe i'm actually home.

today was another bonus day, i like to think friday cause there were too many parallels. camp in a few hours so the bed beckons, but a quick update:

#1. i can live in jien's bed, lifting curtains with my toes and snuggling close a long time. she can scream into the phone and at the computer and throw tissue into the wastepaper basket over me and i'll read magazines with bad fashion spreads. this all just makes me feel very safe.

#2. laid a mask, basked in some cool air, thought about a messy week ahead - its some messy chaos i'm in love with.

#3. passport issues weighing heavy on my mind, together with potential trip to the land of smiles. spontaneity is just deliciously adrenaline-giving. if we do, i won't know happier broke people.

#4. i can do community service at the cafe! how and what i'm still clueless but i'm glossing over that for the time being.

#5. my heart goes out to the families of the korean captives in afghan. the ones waiting always have it hardest cause fear and love do incredible things to the handicap.

#6. cca choices are drifting all over my head, which reminds me i've gotta check my three hundred or so emails in the given address. desperately need to shape up.

next week cannot come sooner. two things: laptop and sweet tempered. i'm going in faith.

today i tried to remember familiar faces, recall morning sounds, i tried very hard to gather in my disorientation seven months of thoughts that didn't make it through my head. what didn't make it through in the past, didn't come through still, and i want to remember every second of today.

work came in bouts of hectic crazy moments and then slow routine motions, alternating just like before. that made everything that much more banal, yet worthy. i wanted to remember things as they happened cause it's not fair to dress a memory up, since i've come to love it as it is. but i'm really so relieved as well. i'm really, really tired, and my body is old, my back's getting naggy and my complexion's just barely tweaking. i've stopped looking like i'm nineteen and i know its not just the hair. my whole me has turned stale from the lack of good sleep and my head feels like it needs a stretcher. for all the good things that lcp has been to me, i knew it was time to go.

flew down the steps and burst out of the glass door and into tears and into the bus today. i was sorry i had to move on again. for a fleeting moment, i told myself that maybe money really doesn't matter, and that the only thing that does is being happy. and being happy, really is the only deserving feeling ever. but it left as quickly as it came. that was just too contrived coming from where i do. desperately needed somewhere familiar so i trouped to the cafe, yogurt in tow after dinner. comfort comes in too many states and forms. all i know is, where i went, the people i sat with, the things we could spew - this is comfort.

after i wake from a perfect rest, i've gotta start speeding down my checklists. it's nine months into nineteen days, i'll see it through.

i've never been more determined, yet more clueless, but more determined than clueless, to be happy until the 20th.

i find that acceptance isn't something i can feed on. it makes me sick, i want to throw up; giving in doesn't just make me weak, it reduces me to vomit. getting dizzy keeping the crying-count in check doesn't cut it anymore, i hate crying but it keeps getting easier. today, my tears aren't justified, i'm just angry and no amount of crying is going to make things better. we don't like talking about ourselves breaking down, i hate reading entry after entry of sob story after oprah-worthys as though they are deliberate orchestrations. it's just that, how many more times are we gonna go on beating ourselves senseless on the inside, dying a little more each time the bell rings? i'm sick of letting talking reality get to me, but each time she does it i draw deeper into silence. how is it her spartan realism still makes my stars all look so bloody stark naked?

i just, don't want to stop seeking what isn't even hiding from me.

we need each other in a completely non-clingsome manner, and thats why she makes me so happy, the kind of happy that makes you laugh when you say your bedtime prayers. so haunted by words, those eyes, the lines on faces i wish i never noticed so many nights, so many weeks, has it been months yet? i've stopped knowing cause for the love of my puny heart, it has stopped pumping time. tonight there were no wasted words, no hurting innuendo, no making belief of a future that comes from highways. we sprained an ankle, dropped a handbag, shrieked at fresh bread, chanted saturday..saturday to clothes, rolled eyes and got pissed, dictated future plans - all from too much missing and that rush to take you right back into my life. today we hugged and i never, never wanted to let go. i wanted to hug my life into yours, and give you all good stuffs that remain, and take some air from you, cause i've really been thrown off course for a long time.

launched but plunged but came up breathing. i'm singing again and hope you'll find me comfortable. gave me attention i don't crave but made me weep for what i couldn't take from another. wish i had your gall, wish i knew your pace, wish i had the grace, too sweet but its with some other.

i've been bingeing and there's not even a nothing-to-do to blame it on. i'm really dreading school. as much as i'm hyped about getting into some serious studying, my brains have been left to fallow too long and i'm dubious it functions as it used to. people, just dont interest me that much and making friends feels more like a to-do rather than an i-can't-wait. i'm refusing to entertain whispers of regret but seriously? i might be better off in fass. MIGHT means i'm still hopeful, and that i'm gonna try to stop getting bloody fannoyed with school before it even commences. it's probably not even the school i'm getting all bitchy about, but the evil's coming from my innate need to find fault when i'm out of comfort precinct, taken (by volition) away from people i trust and want to be with most, and put in a place where my How To book on the so-called survival of the fittest has to be sunned for use. feel like, shit. i never knew i could find the word to sum it all up, but shit feels pretty much it. and really, this shouldn't faze me since Bitch goes synonymous with my face, name and hair of late, especially after i no longer 'look and speak' like i'm a local. ALOHA, it's flattering once in a while to be 'different' but that also means strange and unplaceable and while i dont like to be 'placed', i'm not Austrain, Indonesian, or even Hawaiian for that matter. and noooo, didn't grow up in NZ or the states. Come on la, i speak singlish too. i admit i love being "mistaken", but somehow that always comes first and then qualifications about my bitch quotient gets thrown in. whatever, my ego cant decide if it want to inflate or deflate so i'm wishing to death this will do my How To guide some good. (by the way, just how do you sound Austrain?? seriously, people are buttering me up for favours.)

i digress. i think to sum it up, besides 'shit', i just mean to say i'm gonna miss the arts terribly, and i'm gonna miss my f-friend who will, for the first time in 12 years be in a different school from me. and i'm coming to terms with the fate me and panties are resigned to, and that is we'll never be together even if we want to. then there's half of my aquaintance world that will be over at the faculty i'll miss, doing what i want but must not do. i feel so small suddenly. it's as though the choice i made isn't mine to keep and what i thought made me brave has reduced me to a greater coward.

and surprisingly, i'm taking all this in my stride. i deserve ten pats on my back, one after the other.

we'll just sit together front to side and stick our faces in hot hair take your arm but won't take your hand cause your hand without a third isn't for the make-do.

its not like its not perfectly consumed by the bigger part of living, but all you have to do is trigger a one in an eight-six-four-oh-oh and i could, i could, i could. i sit up and smile because its morning; thats when i've earned another point just for getting through.

today, i outdid myself again.

i thought that detachment would make it easier to get through this;
i thought that holding on to the emotional reins for an entire day meant it wouldn't get yanked just because it was night, and just by your broken words;
i thought that because i could give unconditionally, what i'd be offered wouldn't come with a clause;
(i thought i knew you, even when you insisted i didn't.)

after nothing, i'm still wrong. knowing right but thinking wrong, doing wrong, it all cancels out; i'm still wrong.